janie326

The incredible life ....

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:42:00 GMT

Wow
It has been so long since I have wrote in here. My journal is full again so this is my last resort.
Im in college! thats exciting haha. I feel like community college is so much harder then other colleges. I have more work than anyone I know. I guess thats good for when i transfer.

My life has changed a lot. Well most of it. Anthony and I are amazing which couldnt get any better!He is such an amazing person and makes me try harder to be better also.He shows me a new out look on life which i appreciate. We have so much fun with one another...There is never a boring moment when where together.The best part we never fight. In our entire relationship so far which I think has been a year and 7 months we have gotten in maybe 3 arguments. That was all in a little rough patch we hit which thank god is over...atleast for the most part sometimes IT gets lonely and upset with what IT has made out of ITS life and will text retarded shit to us but we laugh about it. All of us laugh at it Mallory, Deb, Rock Nate, and ant and me.
His sister Mallory and I have gotten very close. We hang out everytime im not with Mr. A pretty much. Were also seeing Britney Spears on my birthday which will be amazing!!! I really like her she understands me and knows when something is wrong which is amazing. We talk about everything.I feel like I will always be friends with Ant and his family.Im not the type of person to freak out when things come to an end ill be there for advice and just to talk.

I keep having crazy dreams, there weird. I hate fighting with people,hate, hate, hate it. Life is too short to be so angry....I learned that as well as a lot of other things on life when Scott died in July.... I miss you. Anyways these dreams are with people who dont like me. Well lets say the IT that hates me. In the dream we except all the terrible things that we have done to one another. This bothers me beacuse what I have endured to be happy with Anthony I cant see being accepted through an apology. Maybe I just want one simple im sorry and will leave you two alone now. The sad thing is I dont see that happening. I just am tired of hating someone over them being envious over my relationship. If IT ever reads this just know ive been trying to be the bigger person. I have tried to ignore you and your life. Im sorry for all the mean things that have been said. I hope you find a boy who treats you well and makes you happy. Hopefully one day you will look back at all this non-sense and laugh.

Loving life

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 05:03:01 GMT

So the journali write in is all full. Krista had a great idea of writing in here again so here i go.
I think we all know my life is crazy. I know its not the worst of lives but ive experienced things someone my age shouldnt have to.I have been through so much and ive finally found a place where im happy at. I believe strongly in Karma, i dont do wrong onto others because i know it will come around.Thats why I believe that karma is what brought Anthony to me.

Thats what this is entry is going to be about i guess.Anthony and i started dating in July, however our relationship started about a month before it became official.My whole life ive been used to being treated like shit from guys prime example the shit that has happend with my dad, knowing this i decided not to jinx anything so i told one of my friends what was going on.She warned me that it might be difficult having a relationship with him due to the fact that there was a crazy exgirlfriend who had gone out of her way to ruin any relationship he had ever tried to start after her.I knew this girl, we were friends, writting this now i cant believe that we once were but we were.I knew they werent talking since thats what they both were telling me.I knew it wouldnt go over well but we had gotten closer than i have ever been with anyone else so i figured i needed to take a chance, i figured he was worth it.

Im glad i took that chance.I know it ruined a friendship but after what has happend its easy to see that we never really were friends.Being with Anthony is the best thing i have ever done.I love him i really do.We are with each other constinily and when were not with each other were either on the phone or texting.We have the most amazing time wheather were on a date or just in his kitchen helping Mimmie cook or playing cards with his family every second of everyday is amazing and i could not ask for more.He tells me im his best friend and he is one of mine too and i love that, we tell eachother everything even things we dont want to hear.I know when he makes mistakes and he knows when i mess up too,the fact that we can forgive, be so honest with each other and love one another for who they really are mean the world to me.
People lie, they lie for many different reasons some in order to try and get a reaction, some for attention or some just because they are so sick in the head that thats what they wish was happening but its not so they lie in order to feel at peace with them self. I feel bad for people like that i dont understand how or why someone would want to be like that. You get no where in the world being immature and trying to take others down since your not happy with your own life. Instead of trying to ruin others lives or fantasizing over what doesnt belong to you or someone elses life why dont you move on and find something else that makes you happy.People like that however cant think logically yet, they dont understand whats really important in life.That petty bull shit doesnt work on bringing Anthony and me down. We both know whats true and whats not.Anthony and i are doing just fine though so continue to lie if thats what gets you off.

Tonight was another great night with the love of my life. We spent the first like 3 hours with his family playing cards, eating dinner, making rice crispies and watching intervention. I love his family and they tell me they love me too all the time and i love that. His entire family is so funny and nice im happy they like me enough to send there son off to the Bahammas with me. I can not wait!!!! After we hung out with them it was Anthony and Janie time i love that. I love when we cuddle, when he kisses my forehead, when he tells me i mean the world to him and he wouldnt want to be with anyone else it makes me appreciate him alot more, i love when he calls me corney little names, i love when we shower together, i love how we seem to have little heart to heart momments every now and then (there those little that should be in love movies lol) no matter how gay we might sound to the outside i wouldnt trade it for anything else, i love when he randomly tells me im beautiful or that he has never been this happy in his life, i love it all and im so happy he is mine and i am his.This love between us almost sickens me at how attached we are to each other but i wouldnt want it any other way.My life makes sense for the first time in a while and i love it.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 01:48:25 GMT

Why is it when i really want something it is just too far out of my reach? We kissed. I just want him so bad..... Summer break starts tomorrow please make this a good one we are the new Waterford Senior class!!!!! AHHHHHHHH

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 03:47:11 GMT

Honestly do us a favor and either kill your self or get hit by a bus. K thanks

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:41:42 GMT

I have never felt like this.Im so pissed, im so hopeful, im so confused. I cant even express all my feelings because i dont even know what they are and theres far too many to even say. I wanna find a hole and escape for a little bit. I just dont know what to do. i dont know how to feel, i dont know what to think. I just want some help.

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 15:43:26 GMT

One thing in life which never seems to make sense to me is how and why history always repeats its self. WW1 for example everyone believed it was the "war to end all wars" no one thought there would ever be anything so terriable again and then twenty years after it ends a new generation was dealing with ww2. History, astonishes me. Not like school history but oiur lives past in general. Why is it that when everything goes up in your life it all comes back down in matter of days. How can a drug addition come into a family and then seem never to leave. Its like when its over i cant believe its over, it becomes too sureal to actually be true. And as soon as i do believe it im wrong. Once drug addicted always drug addicted. He got a real job, he got insurence, he graduated his class, he went to court for the baby and now after acheiveing so much hes back at the bottom.
All history leaves behind in this situation is old questions....

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 12:41:03 GMT

I havent written on here in so long. I guess i havent had enough time.
My life seems to be getting back on track which excites me. Ashley is finally back ! i`ve never been so excited! for a while i guess i felt like i was loosing more and more of my best friends but lately Christine and i have been talking alot more again and i hung out with Ashley like everyday over break. Girls night was intresting also i know i had fun to bad others didnt. Whatever i thought it was a good time.

im in jennings right now and hes freaking i think its time to go lol

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 02:43:37 GMT

Why is betrayal almost always associated with love?

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 23:53:50 GMT

I am so confused.
People keep saying im saying this and that.The truth is i dont care for this Highschool drama. We fight and then five minutes later were over it. We treat people like shit and the next thing were best friends with them. I hate this bullshit and i hate when people talk they put my name infront of it.Please leave me out of your problems if there small and insinificant leave me out. Im tired of not knowing who to trust. I know a very small list of people i trust and every day i have started to rethink the list. Ive been shit on by too many people in my life and im tired of it i wanna be able to trust everyone but when most people ive loved in the past have lied to me how do i begin to decide who to trust and who not to.....

I wish he could just be better, i wish this life of mine could make sense for even one second i wish i could answer all the questions i have because of him. Ive never wanted you to be here for me more in my life and i feel like im drowning in day dreams of our lives picking up and actually being easy. You give me hope just to take it away.What will you do when the baby grows up and sees that since the day he was born you have been in a drug induced high. what are you going to say to him when he wants to know why his father lives with his grandma and why his mommy says your a fuck up. Its too late to lie to me but what are you going to do when its his turn?

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 18:56:54 GMT

So far today has sucked.Ive tried to be happy, ive tried to forget bullshit but once again my home life seemed to find a way to get involved with my day to day life.And if home life wasent bad enough school this week has sucked.

For many reality has smaked them in the face. Many of us have finally seen the true colors of our friends,or have seen which friends we took for granteed.Our junior class is so harsh towards each other. Lately we have mistaken friend for foe or foe from friend many of us dont know what we want for the future so we are doing things on impulse and ruining friendships over things that dont matter.

Everytime my dad goes on his MIA spries all i can do is be worried for him and if were fighting or got into a fight before his spries i just wish we hadent faught. Im tired of argueing with people im tired of all these problems i want a vacation. I just want to get away from all of this drama....

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 15:17:59 GMT

Sometimes i hate cheerleading because of the fact i cant go out over vacation. All but 3 people i like are on vacation and karli dosent even count bc shes family. Blah its like honestly 5 girls home and a bunch of boys. But vacation so far has been great last night was my first night home haha.

by the way im going to a Spainish island over the summer who wants to come? my mom is renting a house again with maids and stuff im so pumped.

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 01:36:56 GMT

I cant believe how fast emotions can change one second i was having a great time and then the next i was panicing. Im so happy my mom is fine, i guess i never realized how much i really do love her untill sometihng like this happends.Its funny who become your support system when things go wrong. Last night sure went alot differnt than i expected it to go and my mom is finally home from the hospital. i can tell tonight is going to be a long night because i have to check up on her every 2 hrs im nervous.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 01:30:00 GMT

New year yes very excited im ready to move on and start fresh

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 19:36:32 GMT

Yes. Where do i begin homecoming is tomorrow,Jamaica is Tuesday and i get my car back in about an hour.

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 23:03:08 GMT

This weekend was so amazing. It started off terriable Friday when i got the news i was ready to break down i even planned on not going out for the weekend.I am so happy i listened to my mother and went out instead of mourning at home.I hungout with the people i havent seen in quite sometime and i loved it.

But now the happiness i felt only 15 hours ago is wearing off and the reality has set in im leaving tomorrow night to go to Florida and burry one of my heros.Its better he is in another place i just wish that the last time we spoke i talked longer asked more questions and didnt forget to tell him how much i love him. Good thing our love was strong enough so i didnt have to worry of him not knowing. I cant wait to see him again one day saying " stay away froms boys and zogs and remeber i love you baby" i love you too papu and always will watch over me and if you can give me a sign so i know you are there.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 01:46:51 GMT

I need advice.

Today this crazy lady came into work and i took her cup to refill it and she grabbed my hand and was like "hunny it is ok,dont hide what bothers you,if your happy show your happy if your upset let it out hiding from it and pretending its not there will never make it go away,Hun i can see your upset and dont sit and and watch this happen do something" i just walked away.I mean this lady is either nuts or knows exactly what im doing.Its not as if im pretending to be happy for the most part i am its just....well my dad is in the back of my mind constinitly. Saying not to think about it never works, its one of those things some people will never understand i can not not think about it what has happend with him whats happening with him involves me and my involvment makes me worry.The sad thing is that the only thing that takes my mind off of him is trying to find shooting stars (how gay that sounds i know) its just i focus on it and just the excitment of wishing and the possibility it could come true thrives throughout my body and i love that moment until reality hits. The biggest wish in the world to me right now is for my father to get better, i want him to be able to be there, i want to be able to cry because im proud of him not because he has hurt me,i just want for once to be like "thats my dad" and actually me thrilled while im saying it. How can a disease take over your entire mindset and make you so selfish you cant see the pain you are causing those who love you.I love my father and i just want to be able to keep loving him and not have to pitty myself when i see familes out knowing my dad will never be like that. I just want him to take a look at his life with sober eyes i want him to realize hes homeless,familyless,and poor. He has nothing and loses more and more everyday, the other day i had to show him how to use his atm card bc the drugs have ruined his mind so much he cant remember. WHat can i do? nothing i say works and im no longer strong enough to speak to him about this without being histerical.Why cant someone fix this. I want to write him a letter but i know from the past that you can put alot of effort into it and acomplish nothing.Help me.

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 04:15:14 GMT

I dont think i can begin to express the amount of anger im feeling right now. I just hate the feeling when you know someone is talking about you and all that you know is that the likely hood of what they are saying is 1 in 2134569875643211 which basically explains its self that they are full of shit.That has to be one of the worst feelings ever.And all i can say is Fuck yourselfs leave your assumptions,rumors and lies at home and dont fucking talk about me bc your upset with yourself ,obviessly you have issues that need to be worked out with yourself so fix them.

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 02:19:29 GMT

Tonight i died a little more inside.If you could feel the pain i am going through im not sure you could survive.Id rather have been hurt like this all at once then over and over again.Tonight was one of those nights that is going to be stuck in my memory just to come back and haunt me.I realized tonight who my "good friends" are and in all honesty if they werent there tonight to calm me im not sure what would have happend. Maybe they dont understand completely where i am comming from but they have a good enough understanding on how it feels to hurt so bad that your insides are basically being knifed and pulled right from your very own mouth.I maybe alone in the sense that all i have is friends for support and everyone else basicaly just uses me but you know what id rather being dieing emotionally with my friends who have been there regaurdless of whats happend then some boy who will mostlikely hurt me. Im terrified in the thought of one day i may not be alone like this and i will find someone, from what ive learned from those closes to me love hurts and will kill you until theres notihng or less then nothing left.im not sure if im more afriad of dieing alone or finding someone who can hurt me again.

i miss my father he isnt the same man anymore. i looked back at pictures and you can tell in those saved memories when my father left and this man i hate but love came into our lives.Will my dad ever get better or is life going to be like this for the rest of his?

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 01:15:44 GMT

Why cant i live a normal life? theres too much pain right now to even express.Ive been trying too hard to be happy, why should i express emotions that arent even there, if im losing my grip and am about to fall why do i hide it from the world,theres no need.Things just seem to worsen. All i can wonder is what will be left of me at the end.....

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 04:08:46 GMT

Wonderful. Some more bad news exactly what i needed.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 02:24:03 GMT

terrified is an under-statement, at the moment.

Im so afraid there arent even words to describe how i am feeling. It must seem like im a very open person but the truth is theres so much i dont tell people and im sorry if lately its been comming out. What i was just informed of is sending me over the edge im holding on but theres a break down about to happen and the truth is im afraid of who will be there when it happends. I feel bad complaining its just its so hard watching and waiting for whats happening to worsen. Im going to lose my dad, when she leaves with the baby and he becomes left again with nothing but drugs its going to get bad we all know it and theres nothing i can do.i love that baby more than anyone in the world pretty much she cant take him, thats my brother and i know either way if some kind of miricle happends and she stays that child will grow up in hell and he wont do much beter when she leaves.He diserves so much, and im afraid of missing out on the times where i can take care of him and help. i put him to sleep tonight and watching him lay there holding on to my hand i felt as if someone had taken out all of my insides and filed me with gasoline and lit me on fire.Right now im all alone and ive been alone like this for pretty much as long as i can remember.I dont like bothering my friends with this bc in reality it isnt there problem its mine they shouldnt have to worry. im so nervous! hes missing again and his going missing shit is getting old now i know he will be ok in the morning with tara but when shes gone and theres no one that disease will be back and the little part of my dad that i just got back wont be there anymore.he is going to become that person i hate to love and everytime i will hug him i will die inside. The first time this happend i dont know how i made it . i dont want to lose my dad and I dont know what to do i dont even know what to say. Everything i thought upset me before boys,friends,rumors ect... dosent even phase me at the moment i dont care about any of that i dont even have enough time or energy to worry about that when the state of losing him is present.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 19:46:11 GMT

Im a ~~hypocrite~~ and i take it back.Blood is thicker than water in the long run.Last night pretty much proved that saying, i had what 2 or 3 friends there and they all turned there back as if nothing had happend, then as soon as my cousin finds out she became enraged and ready to seek revenge as if that fucking big nosed hoe bag had done that to her. Seeing that wine poured down that bitches head was fucking priceless and honestly i loved every single second of it. "Its called fucking karma, every ugly disgusting bitch recieves it in one shape or form tonight she will get hers trust us" haha sabrina fucking halarious. I hope Mary feels like a big kid now beacuse she tried to look real cool for about two seconds. You have graduated highschool its time to grow the fuck up. Oh and the little comment of getting someone older to handle my problems do you not realize talias only about 7 months older than you and you have what almost three years on me haha i laugh in the disgust of you and your immature ways. Its pretty sad we had to come down to your level last night bc your intelligence level isnt high enough and you sure arent mature enough to deal with the fact you dont supply enough of your boyfriends needs so he trys to find it in several diffrent situations. HAHA what dumb bitch.I know i had a fucking amazing night.

"It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake."H. L. Mencken

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 15:04:11 GMT

We were warned not to let my aunt cathy in the house.We knew nothing good comes from her so why did we allow her to stay with us and turn our lives upside down all over again?Dose she have no ~~remorse~~ at all for us? How can she be so evil to take a wounded family and knock them off their feet all over again.Honestly i can not believe this is happening all over again. When it rains for us it pours, and it seems like we have been going through this monsoon for ever.Once again im craddling my family telling them things are going to get better when in reality im doubting every word that i speak. My mother has become a weak women, the divorce with my father smashed the rock she once was.She calls what is happening her divorce with oma. My aunt has made Oma a ruthless,evil, bitch.She has convinced oma to take everything from us and the thing is Oma listens to what ever Cathy says.Oma for some reason cant see through cathys ~~wicked lies.~~We have two weeks to be out of here or oma is going to get lawyers involved.It seems to me everytime i get comfortable someone i love rips my comfort away from me.As my moms tears fell yesterday, i saw a glimpse of the old suzie come through a little bit she told me so boldly that this time we werent going to be a mess instead were going to fuck that persons plan up and leave them with everything and ~~nothing~~ at the same time. She told me oma probably wont speak to her ever again but theres a small chance she will still speak to evan and i. Right now i feel as if something is dying inside of me again, i feel that lump in my throat that i get before i cry but im not going to. My plan is to be as strong as i can,with the least amount of tears and without losing the ability to trust anyone.I always heard "Blood is thicker than Water" so why dose my family fuck us over and lie to us when my friends are at my side ready to catch me when i fall rather than stab me in the face?

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 04:07:51 GMT

I love being at karlis house its not as if its real exciting or more stuff to do i just feel more comfortable here then anywhere including my own house. its so weird, i guess it must have something to do with the fact that from birth till like 4 years ago we were inseperable.

I went to graduation tonight,i cant believe everyone who is leaving, it made me really sad but at the time i also got very excited for them not me. they have their entire life in front of them and get to experience soo much. Collage is going to be great and im almost positive the ones who matter will keep in touch or stay around.

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 02:21:45 GMT

Today was the first day of work.my feet hurt,im exhausted,and ive never had so much fun doing something new.I like everyone i work with even though more than half dont speak english lol. it was alot of fun and the free food was such a good bonus.